Hey, I Love You: Disconnecting to Connect

[This HILY Letter was originally sent on September 15th, 2019. I’m reposting all of my previous HILY letters to preserve them in the archive, and to reach you again (or for the first time) if you need it. I did, in fact, mostly stop using Facebook after this experiment. As of today, I have not spontaneously combusted.]

Hi perfectly imperfect human,

If a tree falls in a forest and no-one hears it, does it make a sound?
If I have a beautiful meal at a restaurant and don't post a picture of it to Instagram, did I even eat it?

This week I'm thinking about the control social media can have over our lives. About twice a week, I think about completely deleting my Facebook account...and then the terror sets in. Will I be forgotten, obsolete? Will I ever hear about another barbecue?

At the same time that I enjoy seeing photos and updates from my friends that are scattered across the world, I resent the vice grip that social media seems to have on my life. For the past year, I have been cultivating a relationship with social media that makes me feel like I am using it instead of the other way around. The way I engage with it has shifted dramatically - and it's been hugely beneficial to my mental health. I'm figuring out how to limit my exposure while feeling connected to "my people". It's a challenge, but it's working for me.

This week, I wish you a beautiful in-person connection, whether that's with a friend, your barista, or a nature trail.

On to this week's note!

You can be liked without "likes". <3 

It feels good, doesn’t it? That little heart pops up, or a thumbs up, or a comment. A compliment on your latest selfie, or a retweet from a stranger who agrees with your observation. It feels like being seen, validated, connected.

The thing is, while the likes and comments (mostly) feel good in the moment, they can be intoxicating. And at some point, these little hits of external validation can replace our own barometer for self-worth. We may find ourselves waiting with bated breath for the reaction to the selfie we posted of our experience, rather than taking joy in the experience itself.

I want to be clear that I’m not criticizing kids with their phone these days. Like I said, it feels good, and we definitely want more good feelings. So, if this applies to you, (and this is absolutely a self-call-out for me) please know it’s very easy to be drawn into and it is normal. I am not over here judging you – I am right there with you.

Relying on other folks’ reactions to you instead of your internal compass will eventually leave you living a life that looks great online, but feels kind of empty in practice. Please remember that you are great before the likes and comments come in, and if they don’t come in at all. The only reactions that matter in the end are your own and the ones of people close to you whose opinions you value IRL.
 

Try This

Give yourself a break from social media this week. Don’t panic – I am not suggesting a full “social media detox” where you’re not allowed to sign it at all. Some folks have to use social media for work and so total abstention isn’t really possible. If signing off completely for the week is what you think feels right for you to do, absolutely go for it. Otherwise, you might try one these options:

• Use the features on your phone that allow you to limit the time you use certain apps.
• Decide you won’t post any content yourself but can still check out friends’ posts.
• Keep your phone in another room of the house instead of near you in the evenings.

…Or some other way you can think of to create some breathing room between you and the feedback loop of social media apps. You may find that disconnecting in one way encourages you to reach out to people in person or through more one-on-one methods.

Good Feels

• Stacy London (one of the stylists from the ‘90s hit makeover show What Not To Wear) discusses how she’s worrying less about what others think and coming into herself as she ages.
• Chicago skateboarding club froSkate gives women of color space and community in a sport where they are underrepresented.
• Carmella de los Angeles Guiol finds herself feeling more connected to her social circle after a yearlong sabbatical from social media.

On the playlist

This week's jam is “Grace Kelly” by Mika. Aside from channeling Freddie Mercury in a delightful way, Mika perfectly encapsulates how trying to meet everyone’s expectations can drive you identity mad.

Listen to the HILY Spotify playlist here.

That's all for this week! If you have successfully given up social media (for awhile or for good) I would love to hear about your experience! Just hit reply and tell me about it.

Remember to drink water, stretch your bod, and
hey - I love you.

Xo,

Juliana

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